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HI, I’m RD and I have all the advice you are ever going to need about Lawn Mower Woes.
I just escaped from the hospital again. I need to tell you about my latest routine day, before someone decides I need to rest again.
Now you know how versed I am with everything I do, so you will find it interesting that my neighbor down the street was trying to tell me about how to mow my lawn to look like everyone else’s lawn.
I know how embarrassing it must be for folks around here to constantly be reminded, about how much better my lawn looks. The neighbor kept talking about stripes, cris-crosses, and the like. He said I should make my lawn look woven, instead of straight. So the whole neighborhood would match. I’ve seen how long it takes to mow their lawns, and I realized that they were jealous about the simplicity, and speed in which I do things. It occurred to me that what was needed wasn’t for me to conform, but rather to give them the ability to get the job done faster.
After weeks of work, and a few experiments, and only a few thousand acres of burned hillside, I finally got it right. It only took two nights of retrofitting their mowers.
Now each Saturday, within just minutes of each other, the neighbors break out the mowers, and like robots, they work for hours, in order to make their lawns look the same as other neighbor’s. I usually cut my lawn, anytime the Mrs. tells me to. It usually gets done during the early morning, about ten, when most of the people who work are gone. I think she wants to spare those jealous feelings from dividing the close camaraderie, that we feel as a neighbor hood. Well, I knew they would never have to worry about that anymore.
That Saturday morning, I got out the newly repaired reclining deck chair, and set it up. It was a clean glorious morning, and the sun made the duct tape on the recliner shimmer. I donned my sunglasses, and sat to watch the fun begin. I knew that they would be impressed at the speed at which they would have their lawns cut.
At precisely 8:00 a.m. the neighbor next door pulled the cover from his riding mower. Seconds later most of the other home owners were doing similarly. I waited for something to happen. I watched as the next door neighbor settled onto the seat of his mower, and started the engine. In his usual routine, he started it forward immediately.
The rumble of the engine shook the house behind me. His eyes widened, and his mouth shot opened, and I thought I heard him scream for joy, as he slid his hands to the bottom of the steering wheel, and let his legs flap behind him, as the machine shot across the road to the neighbor’s lawn on the other side of the street. I guess he didn’t want to start with the front lawn, because he shot on toward the back yard, trimming the chain link fence as he went. There were puffs of dust and smoke, beyond the fence, and suddenly I could see him heading up the hill side, well beyond our across-the-street neighbor. The power of his machine must have inspired him with new ambitions, because he was mowing the whole hill side.
I would have preferred that he not take all the trees too, but he must have had other ideas. His ambitions must have been well fed, because a few moments later, he disappeared from view as he crested the hill to the other side.
It was then that I noticed the rest of the neighborhood. They were all having fun. They were shouting and screaming as they drove their machines from neighbor’s yard to neighbor’s yard.
I was getting a little frustrated though. None of them were spending enough time cutting any specific lawn to get the job done. They roared up and down the neighborhood, this way and that, bouncing from one thing to another. I guess the speed had really gone to their heads. They were all just little boys in big kid bodies.
Others showed their power craze, by mowing over cars, trucks, bicycles, trees, bushes, and I noticed one tried to mow the neighbors swimming pool. All I can say about him, is that it was a good thing that he was going so fast, or he might have lost some momentum.
The interesting thing was, that one by one, they all got bored of mowing down the neighborhood, and went over the hill, following my next door neighbor. Much later that evening, the next door neighbor walked back to his house. I heard him mutter to his wife that he had baled off somewhere in the next county. He thought his mower was heading to Mexico.
I noticed, for yesterday’s lawn cutting, (it being Saturday), that all my neighbors had push mowers. I guess they’re all on health kicks now. Well, if they want me to join them on that fad, I’ll pass.
So take my advice, if the neighbors come to tell you how to mow your lawn, just remember my neighbors. As soon as you start to conform, they’ll probably just change the rules on you, so you might as well keep doing it your way. Don’t try to help them. The next thing you know they’ll mow over your pile of used tires and them cut to ribbons, as well as your stock of auto parts, and priceless lumber that took you all last summer to gather from the freeway, not to mention that collection of old pop cans, and plastic bottles. After they get done with them, they all become a little harder to gather, and not of much use when you do. Yes, my advice is to just ignore them and keep to your own grass.
© Copyright 2007
Written by Jene Beal
© Copyright 2016 by Jene Beal all rights reserved.